"The Great American Detox Diet"

I'll tell you one thing about being sick in the winter- it's massively underrated. There is nothing like being curled up on the couch in your pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon (when all the healthy tools are at the salt mines) with a stack of books you've been meaning to read and a cup of coffee, nice and warm while ice forms on the window outside. (It doesn't snow here, but if it's cold enough for a frost then it may as well be.) The only thing better is the same except without the stuffy head, sore throat, muscle aches and itchy sinuses. Earlier this week I was very sick for a couple of days. Then I hocked a loogy the size of a shooter marble and all of a sudden I felt like going back to work. Yes, very odd- and repulsive to read about.

One of the books I read while I was too germy to do anything else was  The Great American Detox Diet by Alex Jamieson. She is the wife of Morgan Spurlock,who proved that eating McDonald's three times a day can ruin your health by famously doing it, and as a vegan chef and holistic health practitioner she managed to reverse the damage in only eight weeks. In this book she lays out the plan that she used here, and since I don't eat McDonald's it will probably be a little easier for me to do. I hope.

Here are the basic tenets that Ms. Jamieson expounds:

• Since our bodies lose ten cups of water a day (including two simply through respiration), we want to drink at least that much- preferably about fourteen. This is not negotiable. Where's the problem? It must be filtered water (of course), and- get this- it can't be stored in plastic containers. No, I really don't think I'm going to follow these guidelines to a T.

• It's important to support your kidneys; they take in 20% of the body's blood with every heartbeat, clean it, and make urine with the dirty stuff. Eating for kidney health involves lots of fruits, whole grains, and some vegetables; extra acidophilus and lecithin supplements; and laying off the meat, dairy, and eggs (we were going to do that anyway) as well as cruciferous veggies such as beets and spinach. (But hey, wait a second- those support the liver, an even more important detox organ! Aw, I'm just going to stop asking questions.)

• Sugar is BAD. High fructose corn syrup, which is made from corn rather than sugar cane, is the worst, but while you're at it just avoid anything ending in "-ose" or "-tol." There are healthier substitutes for sugar, of course- some should be eaten in moderation (such as Florida crystals or succanat) and others, such as stevia and agave nectar, are healthful, all natural, cause no spike in blood sugar levels, and can be consumed by the gallon by anyone from newborns to severe diabetics. (You can easily substitute agave nectar for sugar in any baked recipe; just use 3/4 cup for every cup of sugar, decrease oven temperature by 25 degrees, and recipe liquids by 1/3 cup. This will make nearly any recipe safe for diabetics. I am not sure how expensive or readily available agave nectar is, but why doesn't everybody do this?) 

• Caffeine is a lot more dangerous than you might think. It can lead to organ failure; it can also cause breast cancer and infertility. Whew. While 80% of American adults are physically addicted to caffeine, none should use it at all. (Interestingly, most American adults get the majority of their daily antioxidants from coffee.)

• When it comes to fats, it's easy to remember: Refined, hydrogenated, trans = bad; expeller-pressed, organic, monounsaturated = good. This is also the subject on which we discuss liver care, which involves eating the same foods that you aren't supposed to eat while protecting your kidneys.

• Most people are allergic to wheat and/or corn- without even knowing it. Allergies that we aren't aware we have can lead to all sorts of sorrow, so we want to try and avoid them until we know for sure. Most of us have a hard time without wheat products, hence the need for gluten free breads, cookies, et al. (Gluten is the wheat protein that so many people have a hard time stomaching.)

• When white flour is mixed with water and used to saturate newspaper, you have papier-mache. The same thing happens inside your stomach (minus the newsprint) when you eat it... and that's gross! So no white flour. Ever.

• The term "whole grain" is highly dubious (unless it says "100% Whole Grain" or "Made With Absolutely Nothing But Whole Grain, None of That Nasty White Flour" or similar). Otherwise, don't believe it.

• The author rails on with such inanity about how unhealthy meat and dairy products are that I'm not even going to give them a mention here.

There's a very good recipe section with some dishes I'm eager to try, as well as plenty of New Agey bullshit about how detoxifying also means learning to love yourself, not being afraid to cry, etc. and that I'm just going to ignore.

My boyfriend, who's also on board (or says he is), finds this book to be a little improbable. I don't think it's improbable at all. This is improbable.