Tastes Just Like Chicken!

Here's a quick synapsis of the "meat substitutes" vegans use to make coq au vin, beef lo mein, and thousands of other traditional dishes that we all enjoy.

The classic tofu is made by coagulating soy milk and pressing the curds into blocks, much like how regular milk would be used to make cheese. (Geez, this sounds appetizing already.) It must be seasoned in accordance to the dish it is being cooked with, as it has very little smell or flavor on its own. It has no saturated fat or cholesterol and is very high in iron; it is usually fortified with magnesium and calcium. And of course it is a complete source of protein. It comes in many different forms: soft/silken tofu, which adds protein and substance to smoothies; firm tofu, which has the texture of raw meat and can be used as such; Western firm tofu, which is lacking in the moisture that normally necessitates draining; pickled tofu, which belongs in the category of quail's eggs and pig's feet; stinky tofu, which is soaked in fish brine, has a fecal smell, and which I definitely am not going to try; and sweet tofu, which has added sugar and makes a keen dessert. Tofu can be fried, stewed, frozen (for an "ice cream" like dish), and prepared nearly every other way and made to taste like quite literally anything. It is also high in soy isoflavones, which can mimic human estrogen (if you're a guy, don't eat too much).

I myself have tried cooking tofu. My main qualm is that it is very moist. The idea is always to drain it first to dry it out; I used an entire roll of paper towels and still had a bunch of squares of soy mush. It apparently takes practice, and a friend recommended that I freeze it before draining, which helps. If anyone else has some tips for avoiding this pitfall please give them here.

Tempeh is made using a natural fermentation process that binds soybeans into a cake form. As you can see from the picture, you can expect some chunks. It is a dietary staple on the Indonesian island of Java, where it originated, and a main component of Indonesian cuisine. (Some people even refer to it as "Javanese meat.") The fermentation process retains the whole bean, giving it a higher protein and vitamin content than tofu as well as a firmer texture and stronger flavor. It is commonly chopped, soaked in sauce or brine to soften it, and fried. I personally have never eaten tempeh but am looking forward to it.

TVP, or texturized vegetable protein, looks a lot like broken Cheez-Its, but it's actually made from defatted soy flour, a by-product of soybean oil. Like other meat substitutes it is high in protein and low in fat. The trademark for TVP is held by Archer Daniels Midland, who created the concept, though other companies make it now too. Since it's dehydrated, it has to be reconstituted with water before use, at a weight ratio of about 1:2. Once reconstituted it can be used for the same purposes as ground beef, such as in meat sauce, chili, sloppy joes and tacos. It's also good to have if you have a fallout shelter; it can last over a year if dehydrated.

Miso isn't commonly looked at as a meat substitute, but it's soy based and very high in protein, so it's not a bad supplement to a vegan diet. If you've ever eaten in a Japanese restaurant then you've probably sampled miso soup. It is also eaten with ramen noodles in Japan. It can be made with rice or barley also, but the most popular miso is made by fermenting soybeans with salt and a special fungus, resulting in a paste useful for sauces, spreads, and of course soup.

Seitan is made from processed wheat gluten. For this reason I will not be eating it; wheat gluten is a common food allergy that most people don't even realize that they have and is no good for someone going through a detox. For the record, it is a popular pet food additive in China, where it tends to become tainted with melamine.

Tofurky is a good way to make your Thanksgiving sucky. No, actually it is made from seitan and is supposedly a very believable substitute for turkey; Turtle Island Foods, the company that manufactures it, boasts that when torn the Tofurky shears at a 45 degree angle, just like real turkey flesh does. It is invariably stuffed (maybe because otherwise won't have all that much flavor) and I've had a little trouble locating the ingredient specs for it, so it may not be something I'll be able to eat. 

That brings us to Morningstar Farms Buffalo Wings. They're not so much buffalo wings as buffalo-flavored chicken nuggets, but oh, they're GOOD. And they're meat free, albeit not egg or dairy free. They're also loaded down with artificial flavors and preservatives, meaning that for January and February, they're a no-go! But don't worry- I'll be back to devouring two boxes a week with plenty of ranch once March rolls around. This is the rare meat substitute that is better than the real thing.