The Musical Fruit

While beans do not serve the role of a complete protein as tofu (and apparently quinoa) does, they are an excellent source of incomplete protein, dietary fiber and complex carbohydrates. They also help fuel the laxative industry. Pythagoras forbade his students from eating them, as they caused mathematic-hindering flatulence (and they still do).

There are lots of beans on the market, some of which I eat regularly, some of which I have never sampled, and some of which I've never even heard of; here are the beans commonly available in dry form at Whole Foods.

Adzuki beans are very flavorful and popular in salads. They are also good beans to use for homemade veggie burgers.

Anasazi beans are very popular in Southwestern cooking;they supposedly elevate refried beans to the sublime. Very pretty too, don't you think?

Black turtle beans, a Caribbean standby, are divine when tossed with a little cumin and oil.

Cannelini beans are one I grew up with. The classic minestrone bean, very nutty and hearty.

Garbanzo beans (also known as chickpeas) are the main ingredient of hummus- but don't eat 'em plain. They're disgusting.

Flageolet beans are an heirloom French delicacy popular in Provencal cuisine. I'd never heard of them before either, but I can't wait to try them.

Great Northern Beans are probably familiar to you if you've ever eaten canned soup. A little tinny, yes, but full of flavor.

Green lentils are one of those dishes that vegans are made fun of for. Personally, I love Indian food, and they do make a very good dhal. But when eaten plain, they're just that- a little plain.

Did you know that kidney beans must be cooked thoroughly in order to avoid the gastic-distress causing toxin Phytohaemagglutinin (aka "Kidney Bean Lectin")? 

Lima beans may be high in antioxidants, but I don't care- they have no place in my kitchen or my stomach. My mother used to buy canned lima beans by the bulk when I was growing up, even though no one in our family liked them- not even her. Lima beans are also known as pocketbeans or fava beans- good with a nice chianti.

Lupini beans are commonly eaten as snacks in Italian and Spanish beer halls.

If you have ever eaten a decent stir-fry, you are familiar with the sprouts from mung beans- but did you know that the beans themselves are very flavorful, need no pre-soaking, cook quickly and don't cause intestinal gas? Woohoo!

We've all eaten pinto beans before, so screw talking about them.

Red beans are common in Cajun and Creole dishes and at Popeye's Fried Chicken. I do love red beans and rice- I must put it on the regular menu.

Red lentils are the same as green lentils except red instead of green. Come to think of it, if you look at the picture they're not exactly red.

Cooking beans is a pain in the ass. It simply is. Since I am attempting to be a purist, I plan on cooking all of my beans from dried rather than using canned beans. (Yeah, sounds like one of those "made to be broken" rules, huh?) Nonetheless, the basic steps for cooking beans are as follows:

1. Sort through your beans for any bad beans, stones, or other "debris." Proptly discard any you find.
2. Rinse your sorted beans in cold water.
3. Put your beans in a large bowl and cover with 2-3 inches of cold water. Let the soak for at least eight hours, or overnight. You might want to put them in the fridge, as cooler temperatures prevent fermentation, and in turn flatulence.
4. Boil the beans for at least 1-2 hours. Different beans call for different cooking times (if anyone can find some sort of a table, please let me know).

Lentils don't have to be soaked, and only need 30-45 minutes of boiling time.