I Can't Wait!

Ah, New Year's Eve. Wearing plastic tiaras and strings of tinsel as scarves, drinking the annual glass of champagne followed by shots of well tequila, counting down to zero right before French kissing complete strangers... when you begin to reach the age where people start sending you birthday cards with cute drawings of tombstones it starts to seem a bit asinine. Which is why I will more than likely say goodnight to 2008 by ordering a pizza, watching an old movie or two, and going to bed before midnight. Don't laugh. You'll be old soon.

But it's funny... I was at one point really dreading this personal test that I am about to undergo, but now I can't wait to do it. I can just feel the toxins building up in my system. I just know that once my body gets back to being healthy I will feel like going to the gym every day, working on some paintings, getting my freelance work back on track, cleaning my house more often, writing and visiting my old friends, and all of those things I've been too depressed and tired to do. (Or it may be the sugar rush from the Christmas season, which STILL hasn't died down yet. And I have a whole bowl of stocking stuffers that I have to eat before Sunday lest they go stale.)

Four more days and I'll be on the road to being clean! Woohoo!! Tofu, adzuki beans, milk thistle tea, here I come!!!

Events in the Kitchen

When I was growing up, every house we lived in (and I was an Army brat, so there were many) had a great kitchen. Nice appliances, lots of counter space, plenty of cupboard room, the works. Even our modular housing unit on the military base in Fort Polk, LA had a damn good kitchen.

This might have been what instilled in me a love of cooking. My mother was definitely a good cook, but it wasn't her domestic love. (That would be cleaning. She would clean the house every day like it hadn't been cleaned in a year. As a youth I found this annoying, but ten years later I have grown to appreciate it. Sometimes I find myself wishing she was here right now to clean up after me and maybe vacuum my drapes.) When I was thirteen I began asking her to let me cook dinner, and it quickly became one of my chores. My specialty was my chicken stir-fry, which my mom would have me cook when we had visitors. I'm not the best cook you'll ever meet, and experimentation does tend to scare me a little, but I do love it as a hobby.

But my cooking has become less frequent in recent days. I love my historical, centrally located two-story townhouse apartment very much, but I hate its kitchen. It's waaay too small! Counter space is at such a premium that I often have to lay the cutting board on the washing machine (there's really not even room for a microwave). I hate seeing a cute set of canisters at Anthropologie and then having to say, "Sigh. No room." There are so few cupboards that I am relegated to storing my sundries on the top of the refrigerator and occasionally even in the utility room. I don't have a proper pantry. To tell the truth, it really pisses me off.

My kitchen also comes equipped with an antiquated gas stove. My uncle was an executive at Alagasco for many years, and if you were to even suggest to him that an electric stove was in any way superior to a gas one you could prepare for a lengthy one-sided argument and not expect to win. But recently one of the pilot lights blew out, rendering the two left-side burners inoperable. Turning them back on would involve unscrewing a large plate from the bottom of the oven. Be your own judge.

I probably should have noticed the kitchen would be insufficient when I was first shown the apartment (and I also should have assumed that the antique bathtub wouldn't be able to handle my keratinous Greek genes). But I'm a sucker for hardwood floors and crown molding.

More Thoughts on Juicing

One of the downsides of making your own juice, and I guess it's self-evident, is that you have to pulverize a LOT of fruit to get just a little juice. Last night we ground up half a pineapple and a mango, and mixed in the watery milk from a freshly cracked coconut; it yielded two small but substantial glasses of delectable Vitamin C-rich sustenance. But we were left with a container full of pulp, which we were about to throw away before I decided to taste it. It's good! I saved it and ate it for breakfast this morning.

I imagine there are several creative ways you could utilize the leftover pulp. The pineapple and mango pulp that I ate could have also made a very tasty sorbet if frozen. Carrot pulp could be used in carrot cake (we all know how much it sucks to grate your own carrots). And the grinds from an all-vegetable juicing could make a hearty starter for a vegetable soup.

Teas for Detoxing

(In this blog, when I refer to "tea" I shall mean beverages brewed directly from herbs and that don't involve the caffeinated leaves of the Camellia Sinensis tree.)

Herbal teas are great for detoxing. The infusion method used in brewing them extracts the beneficial properties of the herbs and allows them to go straight to the places they help the most. Liver and kidney care are their primary purpose, though they can also be used to clear the lungs, soothe a sore digestive tract, and get the lymphatic system going. The ideal detox plan should involve at least six cups of brewed herbal tea a day. (Sound hard, especially against fourteen additional cups of water? Try to add up the Cokes, coffee and beers you might put down in a day.)

The best herbs to use for teas include burdock root, licorice root, willow bark, stinging nettle, red clover, milk thistle, dried mint, hibiscus flower, dandelion root, and ginger. None of these taste anything like Earl Grey- in fact, with the exception of mint, hibiscus, and (in my opinion but not everyone's) ginger, none of them are really all that great at all. Stinging nettle tea tastes like styrofoam that's been vomited on. (Seriously- brew yourself a cup and see if you don't think the exact same thing.) Oh, but they're so good for you.

My original plan was to buy powdered herbs and make my own special blend, either in a coffeepot or a tea kettle. (I brought a coffeepot for my own office since all of my co-workers like drinking crap and I don't. It could really come in handy here.) But that might not work out to be practical. While there are hundreds of types of pre-bagged herbal detox teas for sale on the internet, it's pretty stingy with its recipes. Nonetheless, if you'd like to give making herbal tea from scratch a shot, here are a few from Alex Jamieson's book:

Liver Tonic Tea

• 4 cups water
• 4 slices fresh ginger, cut to thickness of a quarter (warming, immune enhancer)
• 1 tbsp. dried or fresh chamomile (sweet flavor, calming)
• 2 slices (1/2" each) burdock root (liver support, blood cleanser)
• 1 piece (1") dried dandelion root (liver support)
• 2 tsp. dried or fresh mint (sweet flavor, digestive support)

Cold and Flu Tea

• 4 cups water
• 3 slices fresh ginger (warming, immune enhancer, relieves nausea and headache)
• 6 fresh sage leaves (nervous system stimulation, helpful for throat conditions)
• 2 to 3 fresh thyme sprigs (antibiotic, antiviral)
• Fresh juice from 1/2 lemon (vitamin C, antibacterial)
• 1 piece (1/2") cinnamon stick (warming, digestive support)
  

Warming Winter Digestive Tea

• 4 cups water
• 3 slices fresh ginger
• 1 piece licorice root (antiviral, antibacterial, fights depression)
• 1 piece (1/2") cinnamon stick (warming, digestive support, useful for diabetes)
• 1 tbsp. orange rind
• 1 tbsp. dried parsley (digestive aid)
• 1 tsp. dried lemon balm
• 1 clove (warming, digestive aid)

(Yeah, that's another problem- I'm not sure if the Golden Temple sells whole roots.) If you want to make any of these recipes, just boil your water in a teapot and add the other ingredients. Let steep for 5 to 15 minutes and then strain.

The herbal teas that I have mentioned above are all commercially packaged and sold teabag-style. My mission shall be to try the ones I haven't tried and to stay away from the stinging nettle.

Stinky Tofu Fail

Ever see that show "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern"? I haven't. But it is apparently about a man who travels the world in order to eat the sort of things that most people... won't. Spleen sandwiches, duck fetuses, you name it, he'll eat and probably enjoy it. 

It was stinky tofu that broke him.

(Thank you Tommy for sending me this.)

Change of Plans

I've decided to start on January 4th instead of the 1st. It is so much better to start something on the first day of the week, especially since my lunch of choice is usually leftovers from the night before. (With all fairness, I don't have to work on New Year's Day, but still... don't bore me with technicalities!) I have been putting together a cute little grocery list, which I'm currently working on typing out to take to the grocery store. If that sounds a little Martha Stewart-like, let me inform you that I spent this entire morning decobwebbing my apartment. It's a 70 year old building, sure, but that's a lot of cobwebs that I've allowed to accumulate.

And also... my boyfriend bought me a juicer for Christmas! Woohoo! It's a little Black and Decker model, not extremely expensive (there are $800 models out there), and best of all it's VERY easy to clean. My parents owned a juicer that they very rarely used because it was not. And it makes delicious juice. We juiced two oranges and a big chunk of papaya this morning; I think the nectar of the gods probably tasted similar.

There is however a lot of derision about juicing. Some say it's the best (only?) way to deliver ALL of our necessary vitamins; others suggest that it discards the fruit's fiber while retaining its sugar. All I can say is that it's one of the best gifts I've received in years- and for a vegan detox diet it definitely can't be bad to have.

Tastes Just Like Chicken!

Here's a quick synapsis of the "meat substitutes" vegans use to make coq au vin, beef lo mein, and thousands of other traditional dishes that we all enjoy.

The classic tofu is made by coagulating soy milk and pressing the curds into blocks, much like how regular milk would be used to make cheese. (Geez, this sounds appetizing already.) It must be seasoned in accordance to the dish it is being cooked with, as it has very little smell or flavor on its own. It has no saturated fat or cholesterol and is very high in iron; it is usually fortified with magnesium and calcium. And of course it is a complete source of protein. It comes in many different forms: soft/silken tofu, which adds protein and substance to smoothies; firm tofu, which has the texture of raw meat and can be used as such; Western firm tofu, which is lacking in the moisture that normally necessitates draining; pickled tofu, which belongs in the category of quail's eggs and pig's feet; stinky tofu, which is soaked in fish brine, has a fecal smell, and which I definitely am not going to try; and sweet tofu, which has added sugar and makes a keen dessert. Tofu can be fried, stewed, frozen (for an "ice cream" like dish), and prepared nearly every other way and made to taste like quite literally anything. It is also high in soy isoflavones, which can mimic human estrogen (if you're a guy, don't eat too much).

I myself have tried cooking tofu. My main qualm is that it is very moist. The idea is always to drain it first to dry it out; I used an entire roll of paper towels and still had a bunch of squares of soy mush. It apparently takes practice, and a friend recommended that I freeze it before draining, which helps. If anyone else has some tips for avoiding this pitfall please give them here.

Tempeh is made using a natural fermentation process that binds soybeans into a cake form. As you can see from the picture, you can expect some chunks. It is a dietary staple on the Indonesian island of Java, where it originated, and a main component of Indonesian cuisine. (Some people even refer to it as "Javanese meat.") The fermentation process retains the whole bean, giving it a higher protein and vitamin content than tofu as well as a firmer texture and stronger flavor. It is commonly chopped, soaked in sauce or brine to soften it, and fried. I personally have never eaten tempeh but am looking forward to it.

TVP, or texturized vegetable protein, looks a lot like broken Cheez-Its, but it's actually made from defatted soy flour, a by-product of soybean oil. Like other meat substitutes it is high in protein and low in fat. The trademark for TVP is held by Archer Daniels Midland, who created the concept, though other companies make it now too. Since it's dehydrated, it has to be reconstituted with water before use, at a weight ratio of about 1:2. Once reconstituted it can be used for the same purposes as ground beef, such as in meat sauce, chili, sloppy joes and tacos. It's also good to have if you have a fallout shelter; it can last over a year if dehydrated.

Miso isn't commonly looked at as a meat substitute, but it's soy based and very high in protein, so it's not a bad supplement to a vegan diet. If you've ever eaten in a Japanese restaurant then you've probably sampled miso soup. It is also eaten with ramen noodles in Japan. It can be made with rice or barley also, but the most popular miso is made by fermenting soybeans with salt and a special fungus, resulting in a paste useful for sauces, spreads, and of course soup.

Seitan is made from processed wheat gluten. For this reason I will not be eating it; wheat gluten is a common food allergy that most people don't even realize that they have and is no good for someone going through a detox. For the record, it is a popular pet food additive in China, where it tends to become tainted with melamine.

Tofurky is a good way to make your Thanksgiving sucky. No, actually it is made from seitan and is supposedly a very believable substitute for turkey; Turtle Island Foods, the company that manufactures it, boasts that when torn the Tofurky shears at a 45 degree angle, just like real turkey flesh does. It is invariably stuffed (maybe because otherwise won't have all that much flavor) and I've had a little trouble locating the ingredient specs for it, so it may not be something I'll be able to eat. 

That brings us to Morningstar Farms Buffalo Wings. They're not so much buffalo wings as buffalo-flavored chicken nuggets, but oh, they're GOOD. And they're meat free, albeit not egg or dairy free. They're also loaded down with artificial flavors and preservatives, meaning that for January and February, they're a no-go! But don't worry- I'll be back to devouring two boxes a week with plenty of ranch once March rolls around. This is the rare meat substitute that is better than the real thing.

Taking It Too Far

Fourteen percent of food in the United States is thrown away rather than eaten; grocery stores and restaurants are responsible for most of that number. If you find those numbers in the midst of world hunger a little appalling, I suggest you join the new movement in town; freeganism.

While veganism encompasses not eating animal products, freeganism involves not eating food that you paid for. What's that now? Yep- it mostly entails eating out of dumpsters.

Am I merely the product of Western materialism by sating that once food spends a few seconds in the dumpster, no matter how fresh it may be, it shouldn't be eaten? This has actually had me thinking quite a bit. Isn't it a little immoral to throw out otherwise good food, letting it go to waste? Isn't it okay to open your mind to a different way of living?

No, sorry. Yuck.

Just in case you're interested, Marko Manriquez, founder of The Freegan Kitchen, gives us these tips for making the most of your dumpster diving:

• Be quiet, discreet
• Be considerate- don't leave a mess
• If you find something of value that you don't need, place it aside for the next freegan
• Bring a flashlight or headlamp
• A pocketknife is also helpful
• Bring a bag or something to carry your loot
• Gloves are nice but optional
• Early morning or later in the evening is optimal
• If a worker asks you to leave, don't argue, just move on to the next dumpster
• If it smells/looks bad, it probably is
• Thoroughly scrub your produce with a brush (and I like using baking soda too)

This Freegan biryani looks pretty good. Some lucky dumpster diver must have found a stockpile of Hyderabadi spices somewhere. (I wonder if that scrumptious-looking naan came from the garbage too.)

Vegan Nutrition For Dummies

Most staunch animal rights advocates will argue that humans are not physically equipped to naturally eat meat. They will say that the natural carnivore has a short, thick intestinal tract, whereas the human intestinal tract is more similar to that of an herbivore. (I suppose that means that our teeth have evolved.) It is true that there is no evidence that our ancestors hunted before the first Ice Age. Nonetheless, there are a lot of nutrients that are difficult to get in your diet if you don't eat meat.

A poorly planned vegan diet is one of the worst things you can do health-wise. Cases of parents feeding their children poor vegan diets have resulted in convictions ranging from assault to felony murder. (In some of these, however, the question raised was whether the children were being fed enough food of any sort.)

One nutrient that vegans must supplement themselves with is Vitamin B12. This vitamin is not naturally found in plant-based foods, although foods such as tempeh and spirulina are sometimes fortified with it. Vitamin B12 deficiency is for some reason rare in vegans, but it can lead to anemia and neurodegenerative diseases. (Yikes.)

Calcium can be found in amaranth, beet greens, bok choy cabbage, broccoli, collards, kale, rhubarb, blackstrap molasses, and tofu, though not as great in supply as cow's milk. Soy milk is normally fortified with calcium. It has been argued in The China Study that cow's milk can actually cause our bodies to lose calcium; a high-protein diet causes our blood to be acidic, a condition the body tries to fix by pulling calcium from the bones. So better just stick to the broccoli.

Other nutrients usually obtained from animal sources, such as iodide and Vitamin D, can be obtained through vitamins (or by salting your foods and spending a few minutes a day in the sun). 

When it comes to the detox angle, almost every book you read will suggest acidophilus supplements. Our large intestines are home to a thriving ecosystem of beneficial bacteria and candida yeast; the bacteria keep the yeast in check. When the person, say, takes some antibiotics, bacteria die, yeast overgrows, and candidiasis hypersensitivity occurs. There is a lot of debate over this particular condition; some will argue that it is a potential cause for every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual qualm a person can possess, while others dismiss it as somewhat dubious. Individuals have reported great changes in their physical health and well-being by doing candida cleanses, although doctors have lost their licenses for diagnosing their patients with candidiasis hypersensitivity. You be the judge.

All that I know is that acidophilus supplements are sold in health food stores, are kept in refrigerated cases, and are very expensive.

The Musical Fruit

While beans do not serve the role of a complete protein as tofu (and apparently quinoa) does, they are an excellent source of incomplete protein, dietary fiber and complex carbohydrates. They also help fuel the laxative industry. Pythagoras forbade his students from eating them, as they caused mathematic-hindering flatulence (and they still do).

There are lots of beans on the market, some of which I eat regularly, some of which I have never sampled, and some of which I've never even heard of; here are the beans commonly available in dry form at Whole Foods.

Adzuki beans are very flavorful and popular in salads. They are also good beans to use for homemade veggie burgers.

Anasazi beans are very popular in Southwestern cooking;they supposedly elevate refried beans to the sublime. Very pretty too, don't you think?

Black turtle beans, a Caribbean standby, are divine when tossed with a little cumin and oil.

Cannelini beans are one I grew up with. The classic minestrone bean, very nutty and hearty.

Garbanzo beans (also known as chickpeas) are the main ingredient of hummus- but don't eat 'em plain. They're disgusting.

Flageolet beans are an heirloom French delicacy popular in Provencal cuisine. I'd never heard of them before either, but I can't wait to try them.

Great Northern Beans are probably familiar to you if you've ever eaten canned soup. A little tinny, yes, but full of flavor.

Green lentils are one of those dishes that vegans are made fun of for. Personally, I love Indian food, and they do make a very good dhal. But when eaten plain, they're just that- a little plain.

Did you know that kidney beans must be cooked thoroughly in order to avoid the gastic-distress causing toxin Phytohaemagglutinin (aka "Kidney Bean Lectin")? 

Lima beans may be high in antioxidants, but I don't care- they have no place in my kitchen or my stomach. My mother used to buy canned lima beans by the bulk when I was growing up, even though no one in our family liked them- not even her. Lima beans are also known as pocketbeans or fava beans- good with a nice chianti.

Lupini beans are commonly eaten as snacks in Italian and Spanish beer halls.

If you have ever eaten a decent stir-fry, you are familiar with the sprouts from mung beans- but did you know that the beans themselves are very flavorful, need no pre-soaking, cook quickly and don't cause intestinal gas? Woohoo!

We've all eaten pinto beans before, so screw talking about them.

Red beans are common in Cajun and Creole dishes and at Popeye's Fried Chicken. I do love red beans and rice- I must put it on the regular menu.

Red lentils are the same as green lentils except red instead of green. Come to think of it, if you look at the picture they're not exactly red.

Cooking beans is a pain in the ass. It simply is. Since I am attempting to be a purist, I plan on cooking all of my beans from dried rather than using canned beans. (Yeah, sounds like one of those "made to be broken" rules, huh?) Nonetheless, the basic steps for cooking beans are as follows:

1. Sort through your beans for any bad beans, stones, or other "debris." Proptly discard any you find.
2. Rinse your sorted beans in cold water.
3. Put your beans in a large bowl and cover with 2-3 inches of cold water. Let the soak for at least eight hours, or overnight. You might want to put them in the fridge, as cooler temperatures prevent fermentation, and in turn flatulence.
4. Boil the beans for at least 1-2 hours. Different beans call for different cooking times (if anyone can find some sort of a table, please let me know).

Lentils don't have to be soaked, and only need 30-45 minutes of boiling time.

So This Is Christmas...

The other day I was reminiscing on how much I enjoyed Christmas as a child.  I loved everything about it. The potpourri smell of my mother's kitchen, the strings of white lights, the hustle and bustle of last minute shoppers... Even the frigid 35 degree Birmingham winter weather, which I now find almost unbearable, added to the look and feel of my favorite time of year. Now that I've settled into adulthood, I abhor Christmas. With one exception: the last weekend before the big day, when I spend two days making Christmas cookies.

My Christmas cookies are good. If you're familiar with Italian desserts, they are dense, highly spiced, and not overly sweet (even a little bitter actually, but in a good way). I usually round out the holiday season by making about three hundred to give to co-workers, neighbors, and my dad's side of the family. Hey, what good is a five generations-old family recipe if you can't say, "NO you can't have it, it's a secret!"? (With all fairness, I don't think my great-great-grandmother used chocolate chips and sprinkles for hers, but we American Nicometos do.)

I was recently musing on the possibility of making a detox-friendly version of this traditional recipe. Hey, it would really be pretty simple. Replace the white flour with the whole wheat stuff, the shortening with expeller-pressed safflower oil, the cocoa with carob powder, and the eggs with one of the marvelous suggestions from the Vegan Society:

• One tbsp. chickpea or soy flour with one tbsp. water
• One tbsp. arrowroot, one tbsp soy flour and two tbsp. water
• Two tbsp. flour, 1/2 tbsp. shortening, 1/2 tsp. baking powder and two tsp. water
• 50 grams tofu blended with the liquid portion of the recipe
• 1/2 large banana, mashed
• 50 mL "white sauce" (whatever THAT is)

Aw, scratch that. I'm getting grossed out.

The Beginning and the End of Standard Vernacularity

"The word vegan was originally derived from 'vegetarian' in 1944 when Elise Shrigley and Donald Watson, frustrated that the term 'vegetarianism' had come to include the eating of dairy products, founded the Vegan Society. They combined the first three and the last two letters of vegetarian to form 'vegan,' which they saw as "the beginning and end of vegetarianism." (Copied directly from Wikipedia.)

Oh, so "vegan" isn't even a real word... that must be why it keeps coming up in red on the spell check. Interesting.

In classic Jordy fashion...

... I have been spending way too much time thinking about where I'm going for my farewell dinner on December 31st. I've done a little shortlisting.

• Dreamland (so far the frontrunner)
• Milo's
• Costa's
• Highlands Grill (yeah, I know, but have you seen the menu? It's a vegetarian's nightmare!)
• Green Acres or Eagles
• Irondale Cafe
• The Penguin (yes, I would drive 400 miles for a Southern-style Full-Blown Hemi. You would too.)
• Davenport's Pizza Palace
• Sekisui
• The Bright Star
• Lovoy's

This isn't a list of my favorite restaurants; they're the places that I will without a doubt not be able to enjoy. Try going into the Irondale Cafe and asking whether or not they use animal fat to fry their green tomatoes. I'll wait here for you.

While I am vegan my choices will be slim concerning Birmingham restaurants, and that's nothing I wouldn't expect. It's not like this is Atlanta, where a vegan soul food restaurant exists. (That is an oxymoron if I ever did hear one. Sorry, but soul food must by definition incorporate pig guts.) Where will I be able to eat? I'm anticipating a lot of tempeh quesadillas at the Golden Temple, but I may also check the specs on the Purple Onion (where I usually eat with my vegetarian friends, forgetting that I don't like falafel every time), Taj India, the Surins, and Nabeel's. And this will be a good chance to finally try out the deli at Tria Market.

Breakfast, Vegan Detox Style

According to a study that I can't remember enough about to cite properly, sixty-one precent of Americans eat breakfast every day, or claim to. I'm sure this includes those who brek at the drive-thru or grab a twinkie on their way out the door; as far as "proper breakfast" goes, there's no telling. I have always been one who eats a proper breakfast- mainly because if I don't I'm spent by about 9:30.

My breakfast of choice is oatmeal. (Well, actually, my breakfast of choice is fried eggs, bacon, cheese grits and biscuits with blackberry jam, but for someone who has to leave the house at 7:30 to be at work at 8:00 that's not practical for everyday eating.) Long ago I learned from a fruity college roommate that quick oats are among the worst things that you can eat because the outer hull is removed from the oat to expedite cooking time, which removes almost all its fiber. So since then I've only bought the old-fashioned five minute oats. Otherwise I feel like I'm getting ripped off.

Oatmeal is perfectly reasonable for a detox breakfast, as long as you don't load it down with sugar, honey, and cow's milk, as I do. So I'm already doing something right! The proper healthy vegan breakfast consists of three pillars: grains, nuts, and fruit. (Most nutritionists will agree that one should eat a carbohydrate and a fruit with breakfast every morning, and nuts are particularly good for detoxification due to their high concentrations of healthy proteins and essential fatty acids.)

So since the cornerstone of my breakfasts will be porridge, here are some neat new grains that I will try:

• Amaranth-An ancient grain popular with the Aztecs that's higher in protein and calcium than milk.
  
• Barley- Great for bowel cleansing, barley stimulates the liver and helps control cholesterol absorption.
• Millet- High in protein, and mainly used in the United States as bird food. Ptah!
• Oats- I already eat tons of these; I guess I'll continue to.
• Quinoa- The only grain that's a complete protein. (Odd considering that I heard from another source that the only vegetarian complete source of protein is tofu. What are we to believe, what are we to believe?!)

So here's the problem: With less than an hour to get ready in the morning how will I manage to squeeze in one and a half hours of cooking time for my hulled barley? Merde. Luckily, we have a solution: thermos grains. Simply combine the indicated amount of grain and boiling water in a wide-mouthed thermos the night before, and it shall cook while you sleep.

The only problem there is that now I'll need a thermos. Along with a food processor, water filter, et al. Veganism is already expensive.

"The Great American Detox Diet"

I'll tell you one thing about being sick in the winter- it's massively underrated. There is nothing like being curled up on the couch in your pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon (when all the healthy tools are at the salt mines) with a stack of books you've been meaning to read and a cup of coffee, nice and warm while ice forms on the window outside. (It doesn't snow here, but if it's cold enough for a frost then it may as well be.) The only thing better is the same except without the stuffy head, sore throat, muscle aches and itchy sinuses. Earlier this week I was very sick for a couple of days. Then I hocked a loogy the size of a shooter marble and all of a sudden I felt like going back to work. Yes, very odd- and repulsive to read about.

One of the books I read while I was too germy to do anything else was  The Great American Detox Diet by Alex Jamieson. She is the wife of Morgan Spurlock,who proved that eating McDonald's three times a day can ruin your health by famously doing it, and as a vegan chef and holistic health practitioner she managed to reverse the damage in only eight weeks. In this book she lays out the plan that she used here, and since I don't eat McDonald's it will probably be a little easier for me to do. I hope.

Here are the basic tenets that Ms. Jamieson expounds:

• Since our bodies lose ten cups of water a day (including two simply through respiration), we want to drink at least that much- preferably about fourteen. This is not negotiable. Where's the problem? It must be filtered water (of course), and- get this- it can't be stored in plastic containers. No, I really don't think I'm going to follow these guidelines to a T.

• It's important to support your kidneys; they take in 20% of the body's blood with every heartbeat, clean it, and make urine with the dirty stuff. Eating for kidney health involves lots of fruits, whole grains, and some vegetables; extra acidophilus and lecithin supplements; and laying off the meat, dairy, and eggs (we were going to do that anyway) as well as cruciferous veggies such as beets and spinach. (But hey, wait a second- those support the liver, an even more important detox organ! Aw, I'm just going to stop asking questions.)

• Sugar is BAD. High fructose corn syrup, which is made from corn rather than sugar cane, is the worst, but while you're at it just avoid anything ending in "-ose" or "-tol." There are healthier substitutes for sugar, of course- some should be eaten in moderation (such as Florida crystals or succanat) and others, such as stevia and agave nectar, are healthful, all natural, cause no spike in blood sugar levels, and can be consumed by the gallon by anyone from newborns to severe diabetics. (You can easily substitute agave nectar for sugar in any baked recipe; just use 3/4 cup for every cup of sugar, decrease oven temperature by 25 degrees, and recipe liquids by 1/3 cup. This will make nearly any recipe safe for diabetics. I am not sure how expensive or readily available agave nectar is, but why doesn't everybody do this?) 

• Caffeine is a lot more dangerous than you might think. It can lead to organ failure; it can also cause breast cancer and infertility. Whew. While 80% of American adults are physically addicted to caffeine, none should use it at all. (Interestingly, most American adults get the majority of their daily antioxidants from coffee.)

• When it comes to fats, it's easy to remember: Refined, hydrogenated, trans = bad; expeller-pressed, organic, monounsaturated = good. This is also the subject on which we discuss liver care, which involves eating the same foods that you aren't supposed to eat while protecting your kidneys.

• Most people are allergic to wheat and/or corn- without even knowing it. Allergies that we aren't aware we have can lead to all sorts of sorrow, so we want to try and avoid them until we know for sure. Most of us have a hard time without wheat products, hence the need for gluten free breads, cookies, et al. (Gluten is the wheat protein that so many people have a hard time stomaching.)

• When white flour is mixed with water and used to saturate newspaper, you have papier-mache. The same thing happens inside your stomach (minus the newsprint) when you eat it... and that's gross! So no white flour. Ever.

• The term "whole grain" is highly dubious (unless it says "100% Whole Grain" or "Made With Absolutely Nothing But Whole Grain, None of That Nasty White Flour" or similar). Otherwise, don't believe it.

• The author rails on with such inanity about how unhealthy meat and dairy products are that I'm not even going to give them a mention here.

There's a very good recipe section with some dishes I'm eager to try, as well as plenty of New Agey bullshit about how detoxifying also means learning to love yourself, not being afraid to cry, etc. and that I'm just going to ignore.

My boyfriend, who's also on board (or says he is), finds this book to be a little improbable. I don't think it's improbable at all. This is improbable.

Letter of Intent

I'd give my kingdom for a veal chop. Or a Milo's burger with fries, for that matter. And occasionally, even a big plate of bacon.

Yes, I have heard all of the pro-veg appeals. I know that the grain fed to livestock could feed the thirty million people who starve to death, and I still eat meat. I know about the meat industrial complex's effect on the rainforest, global warming, et al., and I still eat meat. I have seen chickens being scalded alive in those PETA videos, and yes, I still eat meat. (Call me apathetic and heartless if you like, but with all fairness, whenever I find a wounded bird or squirrel in my yard I drive 40 miles to take it to the wildlife refuge. That must count for SOMETHING.)

What are my favorite meats? I like veal, lamb, and roasted baby pig. All are nice and tender. Foie gras has its place on my bucket list. I also like eggs (hard cooked, so as not to remind me that they once housed a chicken fetus), cheese (mild, sharp, bitter, sweet, hard, creamy, old, smelly, moldy, wormy), butter, chocolate ganache, Guinness on draft, tempura with soy sauce, Camel Lights, dark roast, gnocchi, buttermilk cornbread, and anything with a buttercrumb topping. I could definitely take better care of myself.

You see, I'm from Birmingham, Alabama. I'm a native, and in my adult life I've never lived further than 400 miles away. Southerners are the most obese and unhealthiest in the nation as a whole, and this fact is generally chalked up as a result of poverty and insufficient education. That's just not true. We simply have the finest cuisine in the nation, and our epicurean culture hinges on three simple tenets: One, it is okay to use lard; two, everything is better fried; and three, it's vegetarian as long as there's not a bone in the vicinity.

In addition to my Southern heritage, my mother's family is Greek-Italian. Mediterranean food has a reputation for being among the healthiest in the world, but that's if you don't simmer your sauce with a pork shoulder for three days as my grandma does. (Oh, the thought makes me hungry.)

In spite of my rednecky attitude towards food, you may be surprised at how bohemian I really am. Hey, I spent four years at a small liberal arts college known for its deadheads and homosexual theater majors. And my idea of the perfect evening involves nothing more than curling up with a cup of tea and a Margaret Atwood novel. And maybe a big plate of bacon. In the same vein, my diet may not be as unhealthy as possible- I do believe I am one of the few Americans who actually does eat four servings of vegetables a day. To me, nothing accompanies a nice medium-well T-bone quite like a side of steamed zucchini. Except for the occasional Subway, Chick-Fil-A, and drunken 3 a.m. "Let's go to Krystals!", I don't eat fast food (I actually threw up after my last visit to McDonald's). And you will never find me ordering anything that comes with an "it's free if you can finish it" clause.

But lately, I feel that my body has been telling me something. Something similar to, "Nicole, it's time you eased up a little." I have been tired, I've had headaches, I've been struck with depression. As far as my health goes, I'm good as far as I know. I am twenty-nine years old, never any health problems to speak of, and at last check my cholesterol and blood pressure were perfect. I do have a family history of cancer, and my grandmother was a severe diabetic. Needless to say those are pitfalls I'd like to avoid. 

My weight is something I have struggled with my entire life. As of writing I am 5'7" and 165 pounds. Several times I have tried to lose weight, and have never succeeded on a diet; while I make a effort not to gain any more, I've pretty much given up on losing. As long as I can buy my clothes in the Misses' section, and as long as I keep getting looked at whenever I wear something strappy, I'm good. (Here's the part where I add that if I DID somehow lose twenty or so pounds I definitely would not be displeased.)

So what am I going to do? For two months, starting on January 1st, I am giving up meat, dairy, eggs, alcohol, sugar, and anything non-organic. That'll mean learning to cook tofu. That'll mean learning to like the way soy cheese doesn't completely melt all the way. That'll mean driving all the way to Whole Foods to get groceries. That'll mean one of the greatest personal test of my life. 

Sixteen days to go. Wish me luck.